Let's enjoy some slices of fresh baked French loaf, cubes of goat cheese, and fine red wine as we talk about what came first, diet and exercise or attitude?
@BigGirlBombshel asked me an excellent question about my recent weight loss journey where I shed 30lbs and have kept it off two years now. She wanted to know, "What came first diet and exercise or attitude?"
The answer to her question is important because it was the key in me not only keeping that weight off but in me getting to a place where the scale is no longer the boss of me, and I no longer live with the constant anxiety and fear of gaining weight again. Don't get me wrong, I still get those body insecurities but I don't punish my body or myself any more like I used to. I'm in a calm and stable place when it comes to my weight and how I feel about my body.
But first, a little story about a breakup
I gained those 30lbs during my relationship with the Ex. We lived together over 3-years, and I wanted to get married and he did not...at least to me. Our breakup was amicable at the time, and I had started my weight loss journey a couple months before we broke up. At the time of the breakup I had dropped about 15 pounds.
Soon after the breakup, I had a bulimia relapse not just because of the ending with the boyfriend, but my business partner and I broke up too which was much more bitter than the breakup with the Ex, and it shattered my blog network business dreams. And to add to the stress, I was struggling to make a living, and had to ask my parents to help me out financially. That was a pride sucking thing for this independent woman. With all that stress happening at the same time, I simply broke and reverted back to my old familiar coping mechanism.
And as much as that sounds like a typical sad country music song, I did manage to rise from the ashes and turn that experience into something that not only helped me grow as a person, but also helped catapult my blogging career. The only reason I am able to share such personal stories about my life is because my intent is clear. I share my experience to help others feel either less alone or stigmatized because I know exactly how that feels like.
So, who did the Ex marry?
Two years later, the Ex is married to someone four years older than his daughter. That's right and now is a good point to pour another glass of Merlot.
They live in a house on top of a hill where I wanted to buy a house one day. She gets the nice view and I got the 70's shag carpet apartment. Truth be told, one of the reasons that contributed to me leaving the Bay Area was that I had yet another Ex who got married after dating me, and I was done trying to avoid seeing any of them. Sometimes, I feel like my role is to get the guy ready for the one he's supposed to marry. The Bay Area just felt like the graveyard of my past, and it made me depressed. In a new town, I have new opportunity to start fresh, and so far in four months, moving to Phoenix has been the best thing for me.
But sharing about the Ex is not about bitterness, I do genuinely wish them happiness and I'm happy because I have dated other people, and I know that I can have something far more fulfilling than I had with the Ex. He's not a bad guy. He and I just don't make for lifetime partners.
I share this because it is about gaining perspective, and helping me grow. Well, in this specific case, in the beginning, it was fake it til you make it kind of growth because really I didn't know what bothered me more, that he got married before me or that his new love was born when I was about to enter high school. I'd like to think I was more mature than that, but um, no, apparently not...not when it comes to the Ex. I discovered parts of myself that were far more shallow than I imagined. The upside in this discovery is that you can't fix what you don't know is broke. I know what's broke and can fix it.
...You will make better choices because you are operating from a place of wholeness versus incompleteness. ...
I mention the Ex only because that news is something that would normally make me want to drown my sorrows in all-you-can-eat buffets and tubs of Ben & Jerrys, and put that 30lbs right back on. I would stuff those, "I wasn't good enough because I'm too old" feelings in a vat of Cool Whip covered Chocolate Fudge Brownie. Before the ice cream, I would of course eat pizza and french fries because what else goes well with sweet and the taste of woe-is-me...salty. This mish mosh of calorie, guilt laden foods would then trigger the ED issues.
Forget the fact too that I'm allergic to dairy. When your Ex didn't marry you because he was better suited to marry someone born in the 80's when he was born in the 60's, there is no such thing as feeling logical or wanting to be the bigger person. When you are optimistic yet still single and living on a budget while your friends are now becoming CEOs, VPs, Chancellors, and their kids are now heading into Junior High and they are traveling and living well accomplished lives, there is only sweet gooey caramel laced ice cream to make things feel all better...at least that's what you believe at the time.
But that was the old way
Reaching to food first to calm me or numb me emotionally would have been my old pattern, and the universe has certainly tested me with some pretty hard homework lately. But this time around, I did something different. Instead of emo eating, I expressed anger, hurt, and disappointment...to him, to my diary, to my friends, to my parents, to my doctors/healers. Instead of eating to numb the hurt, I let it out. I gave my hurt a voice and let it speak...out loud, not only to those I needed to be forthright with but with the blogosphere.
Letting my hurt emotions out and giving them a voice is something very new to a classic bottler and stewer. But I was like that for years, and yes I did hear Dr. Phil's voice, "And so how's that been working for you?"
Well frankly Dr. Phil, you know the answer, and so does the guest you're asking. Obviously, it's not working out, and I am too old and too damn tired to keep doing the same old thing and get the same frustrating and unhealthy results. So, instead of getting up on the soapbox and declaring, "Oh I'm gonna change!" for yet the umpteenth time, I just started making adjustments. I took tiny action and took things one moment at a time.
Thank goodness for Plan G
When things got stressful and I wanted to eat a whole bag of Cheese Curls, I would no longer say to myself, "Oh you can't have that. That is bad food." I would say to myself, "Ok, choice time. You can have that bag of cheesy poofs if you want them, but will this help you get closer to your goal faster or not? What do you want more the puffs or the taste of being at your goal sooner? No choice is good or bad, it's just what do you want more?"
Because I gave my inner 19 year-old supermodel pain body choices and was non-judgmental, and more importantly didn't say "No!", she would always choose staying in our skinny jeans, and she would quietly go back to her room. We have calm. Before, if I fought her, we'd get into these raging, temperamental fights where she always won and then would whip out the weapons of mass self-destruction, and show me just who was the one with authoritah as Cartman would say in South Park.
The most important attitude change though is that I now live feeling like a whole person. I am whole. I still get the insecure feelings, but they no longer drive my life like they used to. I let go of those incessant "missing pieces" feelings like if I get the husband, the money, or being back in the skinny jeans, it will make me feel whole because from past experience, I got some of those missing pieces, and I still felt incomplete and unhappy.
New code in the brain
It took me forever to learn that lesson, "I am whole," and I am now programmed that way, if we can use brainwashing to our advantage. In my opinion and what has worked for me, knowing that you are whole is by far the most important thing that anyone can adopt in order to live a healthy and thriving life.
When you fully grasp and understand that you are whole, the habit changes needed to hep you get that healthy thinner body you want will start to happen naturally. You will make better choices because you are operating from a place of wholeness versus incompleteness.
Change won't happen over night. It took time to create a state of un-wellness, and it will take time to heal and grow from it. You must be patient and kind to yourself, and trust that the changes will start to happen. It's amazing how resilient the body is when you start working more in partnership with it.
I'm able to keep the weight off and have more inner calmness because I made attitude adjustments first...and then the diet and exercise followed suit. For years, I did it the other way around and all that happened was that I gained the weight back and was still unhappy, and still controlled by the scale. I used to believe that once I got back into my skinny jeans THEN I could work on my internal issues because well the skinny jeans are a magical glass slipper where everything turns into a fairy tale, right? {insert bursts of laughter}
I'm in a strong place today, but I'm realistic and know it is still a day to day thing and a choice which is why I continue to blog, tweet, and share because the journey is far more enriching when you have a support system as cool as those kindred spirits you will meet in the interwebs :)
So how about those of you who have dropped weight and kept it off for years. What came first for you, the diet and exercise or attitude?
