Let's sip on some water as we sit at the bar waiting for our plate of Butternut squash enchiladas to arrive. I'll share with you my story of, "Lost in Servitude" which takes place in many households.
I used to deal with my feelings of loneliness and abandonment by eating bags of Oreos. There was something very calming to me about separating the cookie and then licking the luscious creamy center just like in the commercials. When Double Stuffed Oreos came out, I was in creme heaven. I didn't always eat the cookie part as I mostly just wanted the creamy center. In reflection, it seems clear that some part of me was looking for a similar situation, I wanted to be a center.
Finding our self in secondary position
After @BigGirlBombshel asked me a fabulous question, "30lbs Gone & Stayed Off For 2 Years: What Came First, Diet & Exercise or Attitude?," on her wonderful blog, she profiled me as a bombshell who lives authentically.
After my profile, in her post, Julie went on to write about how we can lose ourselves typically in relationships. The part of her post that really struck me was this:
"We abandon ourselves. Our wants and needs become secondary. We put our energy into wearing all the different hats of being good. A good friend, Mom, daughter, employee, wife or girlfriend. What happens to the ME inside? Their isn't much time or energy left to take care of ourselves."
That one paragraph basically summarizes how I operated in my teenage years and 20's. Busy being oldest child Ms. Perfect, I put everyone else first and me second. In fact, at one point when I was in college, I got a good gobsmacking of just how much I was losing myself to my family. I was doing family therapy with my parents and two brothers because my youngest brother was in and out of juvenile hall at the time, and the city we lived in required family therapy as part of my brother's rehabilitation.
In one session, talking escalated to yelling at each other because my inner resentments couldn't be contained anymore like a firecracker that's just been lit. I finally started to speak up because I felt safe in the therapist's office to be open because she wanted to know what our dsyfunctions were so I took it as an opportunity to tell the truth...at least my truth. During the quarreling, the therapist stopped us, looked at me and asked, "If you are busy taking care of everyone else, who is taking care of you and your needs?"
...My inner Ms. Perfect brainwashed me into believing that I was being the good girl serving others when really I wasn't honoring who I was ...
{insert deer in headlights look. Gobsmacked!}
The light bulb finally turns on
Instantly, the room became silent. I remembering sitting in my chair looking at everyone for an answer. Still, only silence. It instantly hit me that, um, there was no one. No one was taking care of or paying attention to my needs...including me.
That day in family therapy changed my life because I clearly saw how much of my resentments, anger, and depression was tied to the fact that I really resented all those people, namely my family members, that I had bent over backwards for and yet who did not even remotely do the same for me.
There was no mutual give and receive. There was mostly, Stephanie gives, and others take. Part of me would secretly hope that I would get mine in return, but it never happened, so I stewed and Ms. Perfect just accepted it as that's what you do when you're perfect. I would then go and eat half a bag of Oreos to drown my feelings of hopelessness.
Servitude versus Service
In reality, when you are serving only others and not yourself (at all), what has happened is that you are operating in servitude versus in service. My inner Ms. Perfect brainwashed me into believing that I was being the good girl serving others when really I wasn't honoring who I was and thus lost myself. Instead of being Stephanie, I became the servant....and a bitter one at that.
The lesson for me in that experience with my family was that I also needed to be better about asking for what I needed because I rarely did that. It never dawned on me to directly ask for what I wanted or needed because I would assume they could just see what I needed. I could it see it in them so they should be able to see it in me, right? {insert chuckles}
I also needed to learn how to set boundaries and learn to say no. I had a really hard time saying no to people, thinking that I was super woman and could handle it all. What happened in reality was that I did a bunch of things half-assed, and was busy and tired doing stuff for others and not things for myself.
Being in service of others means there is mutual giving and receiving. There is also mutual communication and respect for needs. It's not necessarily a ping pong back and forth like you do this for me and I'll do this for your exchange, but more a feeling of balance and a feeling that we are in this together in partnership with each other.
Truth be told, after that day in the therapist's office, it took me a good decade to really get to the point where I had good balance between being there for others as well as myself. Some habits ingrained in your DNA can take a long time to break, and for me it was getting clear about being in service versus servitude.
Have you found yourself in a place of servitude versus service, and how did you move forward from it?
