I love the fact that since NY's fell on a Wednesday, most people got Thursday and Friday off, so it's pretty much a 5 day weekend, and we're in day #3. The energy around is very still and calming, yet it's cold and rainy today where I live, so guess what kind of situation that sets up?
Yup, boredom eating. Noshing because you don't have anything else to do or because it's too cold, wet, or too much effort to go outside when you can be cuddled in a warm blankie with a bag of something salty & crunchy like cheese curls.
When tortilla chips are love
There's a bag of Sweet potato tortilla chips shooting its tasty gravitational beams my way, "Stephanie...oh Stephanie...we're here for you. You need some love & gratification? All you have to do is turn around and open up the bag. We love you even if your Ex has left and is shacking up with someone new. We won't leave you. We'll warm you up."
How many times have I had these kinds of "selling the cult" like conversations with food? Oh like a gazillion, and if you're like me you somehow know that the food will always win out because the food is going after the vulnerability. Am I weak, un-disciplined, lazy, or just a sheep?
A 19-year-old and "the man" are at the dinner party
Logically, I know it's not actually the food that's doing all this brainwashing. It's some part in my psyche. Actually, it's my inner 19 year old who is stuck in time in my head yet still has the power to control many parts of my life. Her weapon of choice is food because she knows we need food to live so we can't cut it out like booze or drugs. She uses food as love. That's what my shrink and the self help aisle at Barnes & Noble informed me. And, yeah, it's true.
The crazy conspiracy theorist in me believes that the food companies put some kind of brain altering mechanism into the foods or the packaging so that all our reason goes out the window and we just go into food hypnosis like the zombies in the movies, "Want Oreos...gimme Diet Coke...need french fries." See with the zombie theory there is a way out with the food, "It's not my fault. I'm an innocent bystander who trusted the FDA to protect me." It's always fun and much easier to blame "the man" for all our woes.
The guilt and shame Olympics
Most times, I'd go open the bag of Sweet potato tortilla chips and reach in and before you know it, half or all the bag is empty because that inner 19-year-old indeed convinces us that tortilla chips are just like affectionate hugs. Then the guilt and shame Olympics begin in my head, and it's not pretty. There's no screaming for joy, it's more like screaming for punishment, "Why...how come...You {insert self insults that include the words fat, lazy, and gross}!"
Those of you who have followed me on Back in Skinny Jeans over the last 3 years know that I've come a long way with my relationship with food and my body because on the extreme I've had an ED present in my life. I started Noshtopia because I actually do eat very healthy, and I'm very creative with food coming up with yummy things like this Mojito Guacamole, Salad Tacos, and Quinoa Chicken Fried "Rice" (I replaced rice with Quinoa.) I also like to try all kinds of foods and experiment with ways of eating like this time I tried a food reboot by going gluten-free vegan for a week.
And even though I have a much healthier relationship with food, there is still some of the guilt and shame Olympics that goes on in my noggin. The primary one is that I'm not "allowed" to blog about food because of my ED history. Who's going to listen, respect, or take seriously someone who's had such a disastrous past with food, even thought we know ED's are not really about food, it's about power and control.
Whenever I stop blogging here on Nosh I've been paying more attention to what is going under my hood. I've noticed metaphorically, I feel like I'm an accountant who has gone bankrupt and went to jail for cooking the books, or I'm a doctor who had a drug problem. What right do we have to be sharing information with people when we've had such a shady past with something we should know better? This is what I feel and see in my head, and I know that it is purely negative emotions driven. It's hard to see see the reality forest beyond the fearful trees.
Seeing the dish from a different seat
A good blog friend pointed out that she's the opposite of what I see. She sees that because I've had such an extreme and trying history with food that it actually can give me more credibility because I do know how screwed up it can get and yet I've managed to pull myself out of all the destructive patterns and relationships with food. And better yet, I'm willing to admit this out loud for all the interwebs to see.
There are so many people out there who've had similar feelings and situations, and my sharing can be a way to help others feel less alone which is why I blog in the first place.
For so long, I have felt that I am good at food blogging and I do have some valuable information to share.I just need to somehow rectify that and make peace with the inner 19-year-old, really, on this subject. So, what we've agreed is to shift perspective a bit, and write Noshtopia from the view point of, "Hey, we're just an everyday person like the rest of you trying to eat healthier in a hectic life."
With this fresh perspective, my inner 19-year-old doesn't feel like we're in the "official" mode of role model, expert, or teacher. The new angle also gives us room to be imperfect, make mistakes, and be flawed which was something that she felt too much pressure to not be. I can't tell you how much this new perspective has lessened the tension between us. We also agreed to take things one day at a time, and for a time to just go with the flow, and find out organically what we like best and what resonates well with our audience.
So, there you have it, the beginnings of peace with food blogging! I think 2009 is going to be a splendid year.
